Clothes to wear when you know you won’t be near puddles, people or public bathrooms...
2018 marks a decade of Victoria Beckham’s eponymous brand. And what better way to celebrate the VB woman than encapsulate her best life in one collection: the intensely luxurious indoor life? It’s an existence of door-to-car-to-door commutes; workouts that only take place with personal trainers in the at-home gym. It’s the private jet life. (Sidenote: for an in-flight meal on a longhaul trip in 2015, David Beckham once ordered his favourite pie and mash with green liquor sauce from Tony’s Pie & Mash Shop in Waltham Abbey, Essex, directly to the jet.) In other words: there are no Bags for Life in this fantasy lady’s kitchen. From concertinaed silk trousers that billow around the heels, and shoes with buckles that tap the floor, to giant felt bags worn gaping open to passersby, here’s how to look as if you’ve never once stepped onto the Tube.
1. Touch-the-floor trousers
Beckham offered all kinds of impractically beautiful trousers. There are the aforementioned silk crepe pleats that fell about the ankles, and floor, in a soigné breeze. Then touch-the-floor tailoring by way of bootleg khaki trousers, complete with belts keeping them close to the heels. By no means can these be worn in a public toilet – especially not unelevated with flat monkstraps à la A/W18. The same too can be said of the overly long coat sleeves that fall all the way to the fingertips, the dangling silk drawstrings of a bronze blouse, or the flapping furry cuffs on a felt robe – none of which can comfortably accompany coat-on handwashing.
2. Super-cinched belts
On coats, over dresses and harnessing head-to-toe leather looks: these accessories leave absolutely no room for a Pret A Manger Macaroni Cheese Kale & Cauli. Sorry. The only lunches you’ll be eating in these looks are paleo, served by your live-in chef, or delivered by motorbike to your assistant’s desk.
3. The humble hoodie
A number for the lazier woman? Nope: here athleisure comes in the form of an evening gown but with a hood. In navy blue silk that skims the hips and falls into an asymmetric pleat about the calves, this one’s cosy casual up top but party-party down below. It oozes ease but it is not for Netflix.
4. Flappy straps
Croc and pony monkstrap shoes come in a delicious palette of burgundy, mink, chocolate and tiger stripe. Said strap flails off the shoe in a thick swathe at least three inches long. It flaps along the floor as one walks. I’d give them two days on the commute. Pinstripe suit man will be definitely be standing on one as you attempt to alight the train. They’ll get stuck in the escalator at the top. This is a chauffeured-car-only shoe and clearly worth the expense.
5. The help-yourself handbag
The huge shoulder bag similarly, is not Tube-friendly. Unless you’re happy to have your laptop lifted which, if you live this kind of life is no biggie anyway, right?