Wedding season is well and truly here. Whether marriage is on the cards for you at the moment or if you’re always the bridesmaid and never the bride, weekend after summer weekend can soon enough end up filled with sprinklings of confetti and that thick icing so particular to wedding cakes. Whilst some of us enjoy a good nuptial soirée, there are those who loathe the idea of marriage in any capacity, finding the whole affair to be overly saccharine and entirely superfluous, a nightmarish vision of endless moodboards filled with hessian placemats and jam jars containing tea lights.
Furthermore, planning your outfit can take months of careful consideration prior to the actual event taking place. So if like us you have a wedding to attend this weekend and not a stitch to wear, look no further for inspiration than our fantasy wedding party – all of the guests dressed in looks taken from the runways of A/W17, and not a fascinator in sight.
1. The Bride in Comme des Garçons
Comme is the ultimate antidote to your typical meringue princess dress – and Rei Kawakubo’s silhouettes for A/W17 subverted the tropes of feminine silhouttes to new extremes. Without a flower crown in sight, our bride would place atop her head a sculptural pan scourer – but don’t let that fool you, as she won’t be returning to life as a typical housewife after nuptial vows are exchanged; she is much more likely to get bored after five months of marriage and elope with a Japanese architect.
The look: Avant-garde bridal realness
The venue: The Met Museum
The soundtrack: Baby Love Child by Pizzicato Five
The tipple: Plum wine
Unlikely to say: “Does my bum look big in this?”
Has a penchant for: Kitchen utensils
2. The Groom in Balenciaga
Attending a wedding dressed a little like Patrick Bateman might be a shocker to some, but our Balenciaga groom wouldn’t settle for anything less than a 1980s Wall Street executive serial killer look to wear whilst pledging eternal and undying love to his bride. Fortunately on this occasion he hasn’t brought his chainsaw to church.
The look: Power shoulders and dressed up trainers
The venue: A church for the ceremony; an abandoned carpark for the reception
The soundtrack: Genesis’ seminal album Duke
The tipple: Cristal
Unlikely to say: “That’s too expensive!”
Has a penchant for: Male grooming products
3. The Bridesmaids in Rick Owens and Prada
Thankfully for the bridesmaids, the happy couple are an egalitarian pair, with room for both the penchants of the bride’s Prada pin-up posse and the anti-establishment ways of her Rick Owens-toting besties. Obviously there’s no danger of our Comme bride being outshone so she’s invited her girlfriends to express themselves.
The sultry silhouettes and feathery flourishes at Prada are by no means mere fripperies: this collection confronts the politics of seduction, the archetypal tropes of femininity. Though the sleeping-bag dressing of Rick Owens’ ceremonial parade may be read by the groom’s granny as a touch anti-matrimonial, she’d be wrong: these high-priestesses have adopted full, ritual-ready regalia – including headdress – to honour the nuptials.
The look: Off-kilter flirty frocks vs nylon cloaks and bunny-ear T-shirt hats
The venue: The Tropicana chapel, Las Vegas, for their Rock Star wedding, typically officiated by heavy metal Quiet Riot frontman Paul Shortino
The soundtrack: Richie Kamuca’s album Jazz Erotica
The tipple: Vodka and cherry Kool Aid
Unlikely to say: “Hey, where did you get that?”
Have a penchant for: Pagan shrines plastered with Fellini posters
4. The Best Man in Vivienne Westwood
For his best friend’s wedding, this best man picked the most conservative look he could unearth from his bulging rails of Vivienne Westwood A/W17. Opting for business-like pinstripes, a sharp collar and cuffs and some pretty slick cowboy boots, he knew he’d impress the mother of the bride. He even forwent the Cubist face-paint this time.
Naturally the silhouette is a little skewiff, but he thought it was the sensible choice over the knit dress and chaps, the mini skirt, or the toothless, grinning face jumper. Yes, this flamboyant ode to Wall Street masculinity would just about satisfy his itch for subversion – it is a Greek Orthodox church after all.
The look: New Romantic city boy
The venue: Hagia Sofia, Moscow Road
The soundtrack: The Cure, Just Like Heaven
The tipple: Beetlejuice
Unlikely to say: “Global warming is a myth”
Has a penchant for: The mother of the bride’s hat
5. The Fabulously Drunk Auntie in Céline
The Céline woman is thought of as being incredibly held together and composed at all times. But don’t let that uber chic exterior fool you – she likes to have fun and let down her hair at any given opportunity – which is why the drunkest person at the wedding disco would be our fabulous auntie wearing a dress from Phoebe Philo’s A/W17 collection.
We expect much champagne to be spilled down the front of this ensemble; by the end of the evening the fringing at the bottom will be utterly soaked in booze.
The look: 1920s flapper in 2017 (no liquor prohibition)
The venue: A village town hall
The soundtrack: ABBA, Dancing Queen
The tipple: Anything and everything
Unlikely to say: “I’ve had enough!”
Has a penchant for: Large earrings that reflect disco lights
6. The Gothic Cousin in Gareth Pugh
Gareth Pugh’s A/W17 collection mused darkly upon the political climate of today. The gothic cousin at our fantasy wedding wouldn’t say much, but every time she opened her mouth to respond to a question it would be to comment on capitalism and the toxic heteronormative constructs of marriage. Don’t attempt to take her picture – she won’t like it.
The look: Bin bag sadomasochistic couture
The venue: The Berghain
The soundtrack: Einstürzende Neubauten
The tipple: Neat vodka
Unlikely to say: “Let’s do a wedding selfie!”
Has a penchant for: Rioting
7. The Flower Girl in Ryan Lo
Her super kawaii ensemble of tiered, Hello Kitty print silk tulle may seem saccharine, but it’s actually a mourning suit, (of the non-wedding, grief-stricken kind): this flower girl is mourning the timely close of the Harajuku-based street style magazine Fruits, and isn’t afraid to show it. With nylon pastel hair courtesy of Sam McKnight, painterly make-up, giant pearls and some clean white sneakers, and a grim expression.
The look: A pastel-hued, plastic edged mish-mash straight off Takeshita Street
The venue: Ōura Church, Nagasaki – a perfect blend of gothic Japonisme
The soundtrack: Any Gwen Stefani
The tipple: Pepsi Pink, strawberry and milk flavour
Unlikely to say: “Where’s my flower petal confetti?”
Has a penchant for: Sanrio merchandise and bucket hats
8. The Mother of the Bride in Chanel
Chanel’s A/W17 show featured a gigantic rocket housed motionless in the middle of the runway before elevating a few feet off the floor during the finale. Harking back to 1960s space age mania, models took to the runway with graphic Twiggy-esque eyes and beehive bouffants, wearing swinging silhouttes and silver go-go boots.
The mother of the bride would channel the looks she wore during her youth, albeit with a lot more tweed. Unfortunately, her husband is no longer with us, hence the fact she is wearing all black to her daughter’s wedding. But she’s enjoying life as a widow nonetheless, and having affairs with Russian cosmonauts she met at dinner parties past left, right and centre.
The look: Married to an astronaut for over 40 years, during which she has attended a lot of fancy dinners with Russians
The venue: The Griffith Observatory
The soundtrack: The Planets Suite by Gustav Holst
The tipple: An old fashioned
Unlikely to say: “Where is my tweed suit?”
Has a penchant for: Buzz Aldrin
9. The Page Boy in Chanel
Always on point, Hudson Kroenig – AKA Monsieur Lagerfeld’s godson – took his moment in the spotlight to model his new arm candy: the Gabrielle bag, courtesy of the house of Chanel. With its double cross-body strap it makes for the perfect flower petal vessel (he can pick up the Flower Girl’s slack) and, when combined with his Space Age-worthy whites and those metallic sneakers, he’s looking inimitably slick.
The look: A double-breasted peacoat in double-faced cashmere and cropped flares
The venue: Gallery-based weddings only: ideally the White Cube
The soundtrack: David Bowie, Spaceman
The tipple: 7-Up seulement near this spotless suit
Unlikely to say: “Mon Dieu! Not another runway, Maman!”
Has a penchant for: Teddy bears